Both you and B. think that I am more of a communist than a Zionist. If I came to consider this question, I would surely arrive at the opposite conclusion.
However, I shall not deal with it. I am both one and the other. It is not only
that I find no internal conflict between Zionism and Communism, but that I have
realized that such a conflict shall not occur in the future. Just as I cannot
imagine that the day will come when I will reconcile myself to the existing
capitalist regime, so too, I cannot imagine myself making peace with the status
quo, of slaves dependent on their masters' will, i.e. of the Jewish people. Thus, my heart aches within me, and the recognition of the value of man cries out inside
me, from the depths, both when my eyes behold my Jewish brother, humiliated and despised, and when I see man satisfied, his flesh fattened with the pleasures of
life, widening the borders of his conquest and authority, and mocking with a
poisonous joy the oppressed, the mournful, the hungry. Why do you counterpose one against the other? Why do you desire to find out which is in me more - the
communist or the Zionist? To me, now, being a communist means being a human being.
Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I more: A man or a Zionist?" There is no way to formulate this question, Liza. And if, nevertheless, I say that there is
in me more of the Zionist than of the communist, it is because I really think
that failure and collapse are more possible on the communist path than on the
Zionist. I imagine that it is not possible to foresee all the details; it may be
that the people who will come to perform the necessary task will be incapable
of succeeding, and there shall be a need to pass from the commune to some other
form (to a cooperative, for example).
I am not about to prove that I am a Zionist. I did this already, at great length, in the letter that was lost, and I cannot here reproduce all the proofs. It is a difficult question, and somewhat insulting; yet, I must note, that for some reason this is how I seem to you and B, and to all the Zionists, and to the communists even more than to the Zionists. The reason is that to Zionists, who do not need preaching on the Zionist idea, I speak incessantly about the communist life-style; while to non-Zionists imbued with the spirit of communism, I speak exclusively of Zionism. It is accepted that one should try to instill in the hearts of men that understanding which they do not already have, and therefore I am more communist in the eyes of the Zionist, and in the eyes of non-Zionists imbued with the communist spirit, I am more Zionist. And, in truth, I am both.
There was doubt in my mind too. Perhaps it is still there and awakens at times. It is not that I am skeptical of communism or Zionism; in some basic principles I can never be absolutely sure, I am unsure of man's capability to act out his ideas. I wrote about this in the long letter which was lost, and I have no desire to return to it, to rewrite it. But, and this is most important, at the moment I am about to act, my doubts disappear. At that moment it is forbidden for one to entertain doubt, for then all will fall apart and be lost. My soul has absorbed the splendor of the Caucasian mountains, and my eyes have beheld the limitless expanse of the sea, and these have granted me the strength to conquer this nagging doubt, this weakness.
I have loved beauty and splendor very much. If I have chosen life, then my life must be filled with beauty and generosity. The chains of economic slavery, which weigh so heavily in the existing capitalist structure, do not allow me to live. It is hard for me in these cities, with their plethora of life-style, artificial, and regulated by law. Under capitalism, there are no true "friends", nor can there ever be. If a morsel of bread, or an "ownerless" small gold coin, be placed between them tomorrow, today's friends shall slay each other.
I have, Liza, a strong character, but believe me, I cringe every time the cursed thought comes to mind that my whole life can pass by within the capitalist system. My soul will thirst for love, thirst for friendship, thirst for a glance of light, a hand's caress, and in place of all these, I will have to curse and shout at every man who puts his hand on "my" property. Very slowly, I will get used to watching, quietly, how the wretched and deprived cringe before my eyes in terrible, hungry pain; with satisfied eyes, desolate from satiation, and exhausted and weary. I will look on them, as if I myself stole their piece of bread.
I am not about to prove that I am a Zionist. I did this already, at great length, in the letter that was lost, and I cannot here reproduce all the proofs. It is a difficult question, and somewhat insulting; yet, I must note, that for some reason this is how I seem to you and B, and to all the Zionists, and to the communists even more than to the Zionists. The reason is that to Zionists, who do not need preaching on the Zionist idea, I speak incessantly about the communist life-style; while to non-Zionists imbued with the spirit of communism, I speak exclusively of Zionism. It is accepted that one should try to instill in the hearts of men that understanding which they do not already have, and therefore I am more communist in the eyes of the Zionist, and in the eyes of non-Zionists imbued with the communist spirit, I am more Zionist. And, in truth, I am both.
There was doubt in my mind too. Perhaps it is still there and awakens at times. It is not that I am skeptical of communism or Zionism; in some basic principles I can never be absolutely sure, I am unsure of man's capability to act out his ideas. I wrote about this in the long letter which was lost, and I have no desire to return to it, to rewrite it. But, and this is most important, at the moment I am about to act, my doubts disappear. At that moment it is forbidden for one to entertain doubt, for then all will fall apart and be lost. My soul has absorbed the splendor of the Caucasian mountains, and my eyes have beheld the limitless expanse of the sea, and these have granted me the strength to conquer this nagging doubt, this weakness.
I have loved beauty and splendor very much. If I have chosen life, then my life must be filled with beauty and generosity. The chains of economic slavery, which weigh so heavily in the existing capitalist structure, do not allow me to live. It is hard for me in these cities, with their plethora of life-style, artificial, and regulated by law. Under capitalism, there are no true "friends", nor can there ever be. If a morsel of bread, or an "ownerless" small gold coin, be placed between them tomorrow, today's friends shall slay each other.
I have, Liza, a strong character, but believe me, I cringe every time the cursed thought comes to mind that my whole life can pass by within the capitalist system. My soul will thirst for love, thirst for friendship, thirst for a glance of light, a hand's caress, and in place of all these, I will have to curse and shout at every man who puts his hand on "my" property. Very slowly, I will get used to watching, quietly, how the wretched and deprived cringe before my eyes in terrible, hungry pain; with satisfied eyes, desolate from satiation, and exhausted and weary. I will look on them, as if I myself stole their piece of bread.
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